I realize it's been a while since I've updated here. I have not really had much to say, nor have I really wanted to say it. I am at the end of my eighth round of fertility medication. I had my blood work drawn last Monday, May 29. On Tuesday, the nurse called back with my results. Once again, the fertility medication had not worked. While I have been at peace with it (mostly) each month since December, this month it just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was all I could do to not cry on the phone when she told me the news. I thanked the sweet nurse, hurried off the phone, and just fell to my knees. I cried and sobbed and lay there asking God for answers. Demanding them really. I was sad and bitter and hurt. So, I let myself lie on my bed and just sobbed for a few minutes. Threw myself a real good pity party. And then, my sweet 3 year old gift from God, the same God who I was so upset with right then, came in to check on me. He had been in his room playing with toys, and I was next door in my own room. He heard noises and didn't recognize them. I've never really cried in front of him. He came in, climbed up in bed, covered me up and started rubbing my back and kissing my head. Did I mention he's THREE? The compassion in him is amazing. He truly is a wonderful gift from God, one I don't deserve. He continued alternating kissing, rubbing, and scratching my back, and asking over and over a series of questions "You okay, Mommy?" "Are you hurt, Mommy?" "All better, Mommy?" "I love you Mommy" I just sobbed harder, thankful for a reminder from my Lord that He is with me always, and that His love is even greater for me than that of my amazingly sweet little boy.
I talked to Duane about where we need to go from here. He feels I need to take a step back and stop being so "obsessed" with my infertility. He compared me to Sarai/Sarah from the Bible. I was familiar with the story, but had always focused on Abraham's and God's parts in the story, not on Sarah's. So, I have spent some time in prayer and study of the Bible and have realized that I don't want to be a Sarah anymore.
In the Bible, there are many stories of women who are barren. Sarah's is just one. Sarah had lived quite a long life, and though Abraham had been promised by God to be the father of the nations, Sarah started to question how that would happen. She was a faithful and obedient wife, even lying to Pharoah about being Abraham's wife. But, she was impatient, and untrusting that God would fulfill His promise through her, so she had Abraham sleep with her maid, Hagar to conceive a son. Her uncertain heart, her disbelief, her obsession with getting what she wanted on her own timeline, her desire for a child, it all got in the way of her relationship with God. Once she turned over control to Him, she bore a son, at the age of 90!
I can relate to her way more than I would like. I am a bit of a control freak (try to contain your chuckle, Duane ;) ) and have spent so much time trusting in myself, in medicine, in schedules and "perfect timing" that I have let my trust in God waver. Every month, I get hopeful, sure that this would be the month, but I haven't dedicated myself to praying consistently about it. It's been so important to me, that it has taken place at the forefront of my relationship and prayer life, but I haven't necessarily been praying God's will on a consistent basis. It's been sprinkled in there somewhere, sure, but its been " God, please give me a baby, I have been taking this medicine faithfully,I've done my part, now, its your turn to make it work"... I have had trust that God would allow me to get pregnant, but I have been overly consumed with it. I don't think that is how God would have me live, consumed about a baby. He wants me consumed with HIM. I love Him, and trust Him, but I am not consumed with Him, and my need to be in control has left me with an empty womb, 20+ extra pounds, and crazy hormones and mood swings. I am not saying that fertility medicine is a bad thing, or that you aren't trusting in God if you take them. But, I didn't fully pray about it before I started it, and I just decided one day after my annual OBGYN appointment to start them without consulting God, or Duane. Duane has been in support of the journey I've been on, but I feel like I kind of dragged him into it.
Another story of a barren woman was Hannah. She desired a baby so much that she spent every day at the temple praying, she fasted for a long period of time, and finally promised to dedicate her child to the Lord if he blessed her with one. She spoke to the temple priest, Eli, about it, and he told her to go in peace, her prayer would be answered. Not long after, God answered her prayer, and Samuel was born. She was faithful and gave him to the Lord, as promised. Her faithfulness, and trust in God is what I wish mine to look like. I want to be faithful and fully trust God's will.
So, where does this leave us? We have decided to take a break from any medication for now. Will we ever go back on it? I don't know. We have committed to talking and praying through it, together. I have agreed, perhaps begrudgingly, slightly painfully, to not focus on getting pregnant. If it happens, then it will be God's will, and I am giving full control to Him. Whether that be in 1 month, 1 year, or 10 years. I'm sure there will still be those months where I am anxious and wondering, but for now, I am going to enjoy living life with my two boys, and delve deeper into the Word, prayer, and my relationship with God. My prayer is no longer " Lord, give me a baby" but " Lord, teach me, and Your will be done"
