{Becoming a Hannah when I have been a Sarah for so long}

I realize it's been a while since I've updated here. I have not really had much to say, nor have I really wanted to say it. I am at the end of my eighth round of fertility medication. I had my blood work drawn last Monday, May 29. On Tuesday, the nurse called back with my results. Once again, the fertility medication had not worked. While I have been at peace with it (mostly) each month since December, this month it just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was all I could do to not cry on the phone when she told me the news. I thanked the sweet nurse, hurried off the phone, and just fell to my knees. I cried and sobbed and lay there asking God for answers. Demanding them really. I was sad and bitter and hurt. So, I let myself lie on my bed and just sobbed for a few minutes. Threw myself a real good pity party. And then, my sweet 3 year old gift from God, the same God who I was so upset with right then, came in to check on me. He had been in his room playing with toys, and I was next door in my own room. He heard noises and didn't recognize them. I've never really cried in front of him. He came in, climbed up in bed, covered me up and started rubbing my back and kissing my head. Did I mention he's THREE? The compassion in him is amazing. He truly is a wonderful gift from God, one I don't deserve. He continued alternating kissing, rubbing, and scratching my back, and asking over and over a series of questions "You okay, Mommy?" "Are you hurt, Mommy?" "All better, Mommy?" "I love you Mommy"  I just sobbed harder, thankful for a reminder from my Lord that He is with me always, and that His love is even greater for me than that of my amazingly sweet little boy.

I talked to Duane about where we need to go from here. He feels I need to take a step back and stop being so "obsessed" with my infertility. He compared me to Sarai/Sarah from the Bible. I was familiar with the story, but had always focused on Abraham's and God's parts in the story, not on Sarah's. So, I have spent some time in prayer and study of the Bible and have realized that I don't want to be a Sarah anymore.


In the Bible, there are many stories of women who are barren. Sarah's is just one. Sarah had lived quite a long life, and though Abraham had been promised by God to be the father of the nations, Sarah started to question how that would happen. She was a faithful and obedient wife, even lying to Pharoah about being Abraham's wife. But, she was impatient, and untrusting that God would fulfill His promise through her, so she had Abraham sleep with her maid, Hagar to conceive a son. Her uncertain heart, her disbelief, her obsession with getting what she wanted on her own timeline, her desire for a child, it all got in the way of her relationship with God. Once she turned over control to Him, she bore a son, at the age of 90!

 I can relate to her way more than I would like. I am a bit of a control freak (try to contain your chuckle, Duane ;) ) and have spent so much time trusting in myself, in medicine, in schedules and "perfect timing" that I have let my trust in God waver.  Every month, I get hopeful, sure that this would be the month, but I haven't dedicated myself to praying consistently about it. It's been so important to me, that it has taken place at the forefront of my relationship and prayer life, but I haven't necessarily been praying God's will on a consistent basis. It's been sprinkled in there somewhere, sure, but its been " God, please give me a baby, I have been taking this medicine faithfully,I've done my part,  now, its your turn to make it work"... I have had trust that God would allow me to get pregnant, but I have been overly consumed with it. I don't think that is how God would have me live, consumed about a baby. He wants me consumed with HIM. I love Him, and trust Him, but I am not consumed with Him, and  my need to be in control has left me with an empty womb, 20+ extra pounds,  and crazy hormones and mood swings.   I am not saying that fertility medicine is a bad thing, or that you aren't trusting in God if you take them. But, I didn't fully pray about it before I started it, and I just decided one day after my annual OBGYN appointment to start them without consulting God, or Duane. Duane has been in support of the journey I've been on, but I feel like I kind of  dragged him into it.

Another story of a barren woman was Hannah. She desired a baby so much that she spent every day at the temple praying, she fasted for a long period of time, and finally promised to dedicate her child to the Lord if he blessed her with one. She spoke to the temple priest, Eli,  about it, and he told her to go in peace, her prayer would be answered. Not long after, God answered her prayer, and Samuel was born. She was faithful and gave him to the Lord, as promised.  Her faithfulness, and trust in God is what I wish mine to look like. I want to be faithful and fully trust God's will.

So, where does this leave us? We have decided to take a break from any medication for now. Will we ever go back on it? I don't know. We have committed to talking and praying through it, together. I have agreed, perhaps begrudgingly, slightly painfully, to not focus on getting pregnant. If it happens, then it will be God's will, and I am giving full control to Him. Whether that be in 1 month, 1 year, or 10 years. I'm sure there will still be those months where I am anxious and wondering, but for now, I am going to enjoy living life with my two boys, and delve deeper into the Word, prayer, and my relationship with God. My prayer is no longer " Lord, give me a baby" but " Lord, teach me, and Your will be done"

{a hodgepodge post}

I have really been slacking on posting on here, but honestly, I don't have much to write about. Mundane day-to-day stuff.

Current Events
1. My sister, Brittany, got engaged while on a missions trip in Istanbul. Her boyfriend fiance, Tommy, was able to fly out to go with her, and completely surprised her with his proposal. It was even more special, because they met over there and first talked about dating while he was visiting. We are all so excited for them! They will be getting married in September, and I am honored to be a bridesmaid. I have been a little wedding pin crazy :)
2. I go tomorrow, Thursday, for my progesterone blood work to see if this round of fertility medication worked. I am not as anxious as usual, which is good. Usually by this time, I am nervous, and imagining pregnancy symptoms, which may or may not also be part of my side effects from the various medicines I am on.
3.Wesley is just growing up so fast!! My once painfully shy toddler is coming out of his shell and  is slowly getting better on his potty training. He has been having issues with making it on time and getting too wrapped up in stuff like playing. This week, he has gone running any time he needs to go, and has been doing really well. He has been full of conversation, high fives and hugs for people whom he usually won't make eye contact with.
4. Wesley's birthday is coming up, and my sweet boy is going to be THREE! We are throwing him a superhero themed birthday party, and our friends are graciously letting us have it at their house (which is much bigger than ours and has fun outdoor toys and stuff). I am making superhero capes for all the kids and have masks and little bracelets for them as well. I can't wait to see how it turns out! His birthday party is all he has talked about since Christmas. We've had lots of friends and family have birthdays, and parties, since then, and he keeps asking when his is. It's been fun, him getting so excited about his party.
5. I have returned to facebook for a little while, even though I honestly haven't missed it. I hope to try to network with some old friends for my sister's wedding stuff.


I think that is all I have to catch up on for now. I hope you all (all 4 of you ;)  ) are well!

{busy-ness}

Life has been incredibly busy this past month. Every week of February was busy 4 to 5 out of 7 days, and March isn't looking to slow down much.
Frantic February brought Bible studies on Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings, small group every Thursday night, many doctors appointments, birthdays, babies, and baby showers.
Manic March will bring pretty much all the same things, but with the addition of a wedding, and all its festivities. It is also Missions Month at our church, with a spaghetti supper and dessert auction, not to mention Easter falls on the last Sunday.

I enjoy a bit of busy-ness from time to time. Especially for such fun reasons as babies and weddings and all the other events I've been part of. But, I've gotten a little overwhelmed.Wesley and I each have gotten sick a couple of times since my last post, him with a sinus/respiratory infection then an ear infection, and me with a couple different other issues.  He has also gotten increasingly more energetic and demanding at times, so I am always on my toes with him. But, I will choose to focus on the positive. Like meeting the sweet newborn of a dear friend, celebrating the upcoming births of several other lovely ladies babies, celebrating the life (birthdays) of friends and family,  and being a part of my baby cousin's big day, but most importantly, growing in my relationship with my Lord in different ways, through different studies of Scripture.

Here is a bit of my last month or so in pictures:

Fun with Seth

Boys and MUD!

Valentine card from Grandma and Papa

Valentine from Ami and Pops

My flowers from my forever valentine :)

the boys went to the Monster Truck show!

We bought a new Jeep Wrangler Unlimited :)

meeting sweet Abram James! Love him!

Sick day

game night with friends

super fun wedding party! :)

me and my men at the wedding

precious ring bearers

cutest ring bearer EVER!

being silly with Mommy's new glasses

{encouragement}

After praying and talking to some friends about how I have been feeling a little discouraged lately, God has been using Scripture and some people in my life to encourage me. I have received a few emails, texts, a note in the mail, and had some pretty great conversations with friends over the last week or so. I also have been studying Acts in my weekly Bible study, and this week was on Acts 18, which is about encouragement. I love how God can use His Word to help me get through what I struggle with. I have had other issues in the past, and when I feel at my lowest, God gives me just the Scripture and encouragement I need at just the right rime to get me through. In Acts 17, Paul is getting resistance from the Jews in each city he goes to, and keeps getting driven from the cities he is preaching the Gospel in. In Acts 18, when most people would be completely discouraged. After leaving several cities just prior, Paul finally arrives in Corinth. In Corinth, he meets a couple who are tent makers like him. They work alongside him, "risking their own necks" (Romans 16:3-4) to help him and have a church in their house (1 Corinthians 16:19). He encounters some further resistance from the Jews, and decides to go to the Gentiles, next door and each person in the household came to know the Lord. One night, the Lord spoke to Paul in a dream, telling him not to be afraid because God is with him.

Now, my life in no way resembles Paul's. I have faced no persecution or resistance to my faith in my life. I have, however, had my fair share of discouragement. I have always gotten through it "by myself" and not always leaned on the Lord for my assurance and encouragement. This week has been a true testament to me of God's faithfulness. I have been spending more time in prayer and the word, praying that I would see myself as valuable, in His eyes, and not worry about what I or others think. He has sent me people at just the right time and I have read just the right verse at the right time to be truly encouraged by Him. I have had a great week, and have loved the encouragement He has sent me through my friends and His word. 

In Wesley news, he has been so much better at potty training, only having about 1 accident every couple days instead of daily. He has been more obedient in general, and super affectionate.
I am so proud of him,  even though he decided that painting our dog white would be a good idea one day while Mommy was in the shower.

poor girl was exiled for a bit, while the paint dried

Another day, he came up to me, after a couple minutes of silence, and said "I pretty like Mommy", looking like this:

"He feels pretty, oh so pretty"

Overall, it's been a great week, with him being obedient, and loving and snuggling with Mommy.

In other news, I am in my baby cousin's wedding on March 9. I ordered my bridesmaid dress in early November, and ordered it a size down from my normal size, with the expectation of losing enough weight to fit in it by the wedding. Well, it came in a couple of weeks ago, and it wouldn't zip up. I was pretty disappointed, but had 6 or 8 weeks until the wedding, so I figured diet and exercise would help me fit in it by March. I went to try it on last night, and not only did it fit, but it's a perfect fit. Well, mostly. I still need to tone up because the way it's cut in the stomach area is not exactly flattering. But, I dig it. Especially since it's a size smaller than my wedding dress! :)

I'll have a shawl around my shoulders

I am so excited for Skylar and Kristina's wedding, and can't wait to see how the Lord will work in their marriage.

Wesley and my nephew, Jackson, are both ring bearers, and will be too cute in their little tuxes with pink ties. 

{What the Future May Hold}

We don't know what the future may hold, but we know that God is in control of all circumstances. We have several things we would like to see happen over the next couple of years, and we fully believe that it is in God's plan, we just need to work on patiently waiting on Him. We would like to have baby Ek #2, we would like to sell our current home and move into town, and we want to be able to work together in ministry.


When we first got married, we planned out our whole life, we had a 7ish year plan. We would start "trying" for our first child after we celebrated our 2 year anniversary. I would quit work to stay home and be the best little homemaker and mommy in the world, our house would be spotless and we'd enjoy meals around the table at breakfast and dinner(hahaha, D goes to work before 7, and I like my sleep. WHAT was I THINKING?). Our baby would be perfect, and because of my healthcare industry history, perfectly healthy. We would be always happy and enjoying each others company. When our baby was almost one, we would start trying for a sibling and immediately get pregnant. We wanted three or four children by the time we were 30.

God had a completely different plan for us. We found out we were pregnant two months after our one year anniversary, and Wesley was welcomed a little over a month before our two year anniversary. We were excited, but taken by surprise, as we hadn't really been trying for a baby. To further show us that He was in control, God allowed Wesley to be born three weeks earlier than his due date. When I first held him, I remember thinking that he was the smallest baby I had ever seen. He wasn't tiny, he was a healthy 6lb8oz, but so little. He was perfect. And for the first two or three weeks, all he wanted to do was eat and sleep. I had to have a csection, so it was a relief to be home and to be able to rest so much. Then, one night, Wesley started crying. Something that was usually reserved for diaper changes alone became eardrum bursting screaming for hours on end, every night, and most days. This lasted for about 5 months. He also had an umbilical hernia, acid reflux, and at 3 months, he got salmonella poisoning. So much for our plan of a healthy baby. He also wan't gaining weight as quickly as he should. At 3 months old, he just barely crossed the 10 pound mark. Over the next several months, his doctor would recommend formula supplementation, and no solids until 9 months. Once 9 months hit, and he got on solids, he gained 3 pounds in about a month. He stopped nursing around 11 months, and that is when we decided to start trying for another baby. This was in February 2011. Each month came, and each month was another negative pregnancy test. Then, from July to April, Wesley got 8 to 10 ear infections. The next July, we finally got tubes placed in his ears and got his adenoids removed. Since then, he has not had a single ear infection. We all, as a family, have gotten sick at least 1 week out of every month since September. It has been a not fun winter. Needless to say, we have been learning to really believe that God has everything in control. He has a baby planned for us, one day, in HIS timing.

In October of 2011, I was diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. My doctor put me on some hormones to regulate my cycles, because they are very irregular. Always have been, so I assumed it was normal. I started Clomid in January of 2012, and for the next 3 months, it would not work. The purpose of clomid is not necessarily to get you pregnant, but to make you ovulate, something I haven't done on my own on a regular basis, like ever. Each month, I would go in and get blood taken to see if the clomid had worked, and each month I would get a level of 0.2 to 1.8. This was incredibly discouraging. In April, it was determined that I was insulin resistant. So,  we decided to work on getting me healthy while still trying to get pregnant, but not with the clomid. Over the next few months, I changed my eating habits, and lost 5 pounds. In July, on my birthday, we got a gym membership, and I started going to the gym several times a week, and lost about 20 pounds. I had my first cycle, without the help of medication. Then, a month later, another. When I went in for my yearly checkup at my family doctor, it was determined that my insulin resistance had been reversed. All my other levels had improved as well. A couple months later, I went back to my GYN for my yearly checkup there, and she determined that I have PCOS. She told me to keep up the diet and exercise, and she put me back on clomid. She said that Wesley was a "miracle" because most women with PCOS have a difficult time getting pregnant without medical intervention. The first month back on the clomid, I ovulated, with a level of 9.9 ( they really want it close to a 10, so this is a great start). But, I did not get pregnant. I finished the second round of clomid last week, and will know  next Thursday if it worked. I am extremely anxious to see if it did, and will still have to wait another 7 to 10 days after that to even know if I'm pregnant, so please pray for me over the next couple weeks! Oh, and on the whole 3 or 4 kids by 30 plan, D will be 30 in November, and I will be next July.. so unless God decides to bless us with twins, that is not happening.

In our almost 5 years of marriage, we have had our house up for sale on two different instances. The first time, we had it up for sale for about a year, then found out I was pregnant and we decided to take it off the market until we felt like the time was right again. Right when we made a decision, we were selling by owner, a couple came out and made an offer. Three days later, it fell through, and we were so disappointed. But, I didn't really want to be either newly pregnant or moving with a brand spanking new baby. So, we waited. In May of 2012, we decided to put it back on the market, and listed it with a realtor company. We had several showings that were promising, but none of them ever made an offer. We had a 6 month contract with our realtor, and at the end of it, we decided to take it off the market. A couple weeks later, we went through a pretty major renovation. Most of the problems people had mentioned were the kitchen being outdated, the ceilings looking old and dingy, and the carpets being old. All of this is true. Every single one of those items are original to the house, which was built in 1988. So, we decided we would fix it, and pray about what to do in the meantime. We removed the old "popcorn" textured ceiling, and primed and painted it a bright white, we painted our old, contractor grade kitchen (and bathroom) cabinets and bought all brand new matching appliances. We also painted the kitchen, dining room, and hallway a fun blue color and replaced the floor in the kitchen and bath. I had so much fun in the 3 weeks it took us to work on that project, working side by side with my husband. We also bought some clearance paint for $5 a gallon and plan to use it in all the other rooms. We also found a really great deal on some laminate flooring and plan to replace all the main living areas old, dingy carpet with that. I am so excited to see what its going to look like when it's all done. That being said, we have been trying to figure out when we would list the house again and how, and we are still praying through it, so in the meantime, we are enjoying our home. The home that D lived alone for the first time in, the home we came home from our honeymoon in, and the home that has seen our family grow. It will be a bittersweet moment when we sell this old home and move to a new house. But it's not the house that makes it a home, it is my wonderful husband and son whom I love so dearly, so we will make our next house a home, whenever that happens. Our current house is on an acre of land, surrounded by 80ish acres of cow pasture. It's a very peaceful location most of the time, but it is on a highway where 18wheelers, tractors, and buses fly by at 60mph, so not very safe for playing in the front yard. In fact, Wesley is completely enamored with all things vehicular and likes to run toward the street to look for them.... and he is pretty fast. I shudder to think about what would happen if I wasn't fast enough to catch him. So, we plan to move into town, into a neighborhood, with a good school system (just in case I decide later not to home school).

In ministry, we have always been in completely different areas. Duane worked the sound for worship services, and did "technical stuff" and I was always helping in the children's area. We each helped out from time to time in the other's area, but very rarely together. We used to help out in our youth group and really enjoyed that, but over time, our church has matured and all our youth are grown. We basically have younger children or adults at our church. Not many teens. Last year, we realized, were convicted really,  that we were both too over committed and not spending nearly enough time together as a family. So, we each stepped out of our ministries to figure out where God would have us serve together. We had a vision, but didn't know how it would work, so we spent time in prayer. Last April, we helped a small team of men, one of whom is our pastor, get ready to go on mission in Africa. We helped them figure out supplies, helped pack backpacks, and really enjoyed it. In December, our pastor asked us to co-lead a new ministry under our missions team that would essentially help prepare others to go on mission. We also are to figure out other ministry opportunities and people groups who need outreaching. We are still figuring out how all this will work, and ironing out details, but we are excited to be a part of this! The great thing is, it is just what we had been praying about and was our vision, but Greg, our pastor, the visionary, took it a couple steps further.

All these (pages) of stories are to show that no matter what we want or plan or expect, God is in control. Did we get our plan fulfilled exactly as we expected? No, not at all. But, had we really prayed about it and sought God's will in it all? Not really. God has a plan, He knows when our next baby will arrive if our house will sell and when it needs to happen. I know I spent way too much time worrying about it, and what good did that do? None. I am glad to have gone through all of this, it has made me really look to the Lord for answers instead of just relying on myself. Who knows what would have happened if we'd sold the house, moved, and had a couple more babies by now. I would have missed out on all of this sweet time with my boy, and I cherish the last almost 3 years with him.

It's a really good thing that God's got this, because if He didn't have it all planned out, our lives would be completely different. It has made us closer as a family and we will trust in Him and His timing as we go forward.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it was so long :)  

{You're Quitting Facebook? WHY?!?}

If you're reading this, most likely you know that I recently announced the deactivation of my Facebook account. I know, in this day and age, it seems like Facebook is a day to day necessity for most people. And, yes, I have spent my fair share of time on it over the last several years. You see, that is the problem. I have spent my fair share of time, plus much much more time, on it over the last several years.
When I first got on the networking site, I enjoyed "catching up" with old friends and seeing what people were up to. Over time, it stopped being less interactive and more "looking in from the outside" and has become an overly time consuming avenue that has led me to compare myself and my life and family to others. Yes, I still enjoy seeing the fun news of weddings, births, pregnancies, and every thing else going on in everyone's lives, but I realized, I am spending so much time looking at what other people are doing instead of actually picking up the phone to call the person. I know I will lose touch with a lot of my Facebook "friends" but in actuality, how can a person be considered a friend, in the true sense of the word, if I haven't spoken a word to them in years? I get the "likes" on my statuses and photos and the occasional comment, but, honestly, I haven't had a real conversation with over 90% of the people on my "friends" list in weeks, months, or years. I want meaningful friendships that are real, face to face friendships where we know each other for who we really are, not who we seem to be on Facebook.

I hope that I can spend more time with my face not looking at a computer or smartphone screen, and, quite honestly, being so easily distracted with the things of this world. If I profess to be a believer, my time should be spent in the Word and in prayer, not spending loads of time on the internet. I am not condemning people for having a Facebook account, or saying that it is wrong to have it, but in my personal case, I spend more time lately focusing on the things of the world than on things eternal, and my relationship with my Savior is suffering because of it.

This blog is mainly to keep family and friends updated on our lives. It most likely won't be anything earth shattering or even very interesting or well written, but I like to chronicle our lives, especially with our growing boy, and have kept pictures with captions on facebook for so long and have been afraid of losing them all. I have now downloaded all of my pictures and will start putting them on here.


Feel free to comment at any time, or email me or even call me :)